Year 2023: AKA The Year Long Depression

As you can probably tell by the title alone I was intending to do a general wrap-up of this year, and all things that have happened. However, as also mentioned by the title, depression absorbs any cognitivity of the host. I sat down to type out all the good, bad, and ugly about this year and completely came up blank. What even happened this year? Does anybody remember?

The paid utility slips piled on a desk in the garage say I have been living back in my high school bedroom for over a year now. The session tally for my therapist says I have been seeing her for almost three months now. Our roommate has been with us for almost eight months now.

Back in 2019, the start of COVID-19, I thought for sure that the end was here. Not in the Biblical sense, more of the Finally we are all in this together to see how awful management has been to our company, The USA, kind of way. I thought for sure that the general public had gotten angry enough that something was going to happen. Thus, I wrote in a journal about everything that was going on. I felt like that year HAD to be documented. All of my worries, and conflicted feelings I managed to write them all down for pretty much the entirety of the year. Then as we all know, nothing came from any of the rage. It was, unfortunately, not the end. I gave up. We had all lost three years to COVID-19 and when I talk to people my age about it they get a weird husk of an expression. Capitalism left no opportunity for us to grieve and it is obvious.

This sore spot in my mental health has persisted through even this year. When I was worrying about the state of the country, in perspective, my little life during that time was quite nice. I had an apartment with my husband. We both had jobs then. Even close to having enough to maybe start the housing process. I wasted a lot of that time worrying and scrambling around. Now here I am, a year or several has passed by and I am back to square one with my husband and roommate. I love both of them very much. I stopped worrying about the big picture because I just couldn’t do it anymore. Here even more recently I have tried to focus just on taking care of people in my immediate life and friend group. Before I was angry I wasn’t getting reached out to, I had to be the one to check up on everyone. But honestly, why does that matter? I still have this sizable bruise I need to heal. Here is to starting over again, and again, and again.